She was Out of the closet and I was out of my mind….

My relationships with all my children are all very different. The relationships with my daughters differ very much from that of the one I have with my boys. I was in my 20’s when I had the girls while in my 30’s with the boys. I was a disaster as a parent on some levels in my 20’s but also the same can be said in my 30’s. I didn’t have pursue a career in my 20’s , obviously had more energy and I didn’t date for the most part I had a man in my life and although we didn’t live together he was a big part of our lives. I did end up having two sons with him years down the road. But now we are not together and I am remarried. I wish I could say that the marriage was the the reason my oldest daughter hates me but it started a year prior to that union.

She turned 13 and hell began. By this time I had a nursing career and I worked very long hours. She was left with a nanny many hours and many days through the week. I couldn’t help it I had four children as a single mother. It was a necessary evil. I would work, come home, speak with the children, tuck them into bed and over again. Until I had to go on nights to make more money. It was then she began to sneak out of the house without the knowledge of the nanny. She became violent toward me. She was caught drinking at her fathers house so of course I had to step in with the court system. I was at a loss for words. Then one night she was texting, I was dating a man that had a teenager her same age that went to the same school. She laid her phone down and went outside. He looked at me and said don’t you ever read her messages, I mean with all the trouble she has been in I would be worried and would need to know what she was up to. I disagreed with him saying It would be going against things I believed as a mother, prying and spying on my children. But curiosity made me give in, one of her friends had just left, she was walking her out, I did it I picked it up..  she was asking the other girl did she like her…. The room was spinning I thought I was living in someone elses life, not my own. She was just 13,  Even that I could wrap my mind around, she was in love with a girl!!!!!! It exploded, I am not going to tell you I handled this well because that would be a lie. I told her to go pack, I wasn’t living in the home with a lesbian, why are you doing this..??? I screamed.

She went to her dad’s for 2 weeks. I just kept thinking is my  feelings on homosexuality going to stop me from loving her? No. So I called her father she refused to come home but I made her anyway. The months started ticking by and I still didn’t want her talking about it. So maybe she just gave up trying to be herself and started dating guys I could tell this was a sham, a thing just to keep me happy, but instead of me telling her its ok be who you are I let her continue with this performance. That was until I met Matt and we got married he encouraged me to allow her to be who she was, I was resistant but finally I gave in.

It was hard and even at my best I would still comment degrading her sexual orientation, but as the years passed so did that in me and I even excepted her girlfriends in our home. The first one was beautiful bi racial, girl her sister was friends with. As I watched their relationship, I noted that it wasn’t much different from a heterosexual relationship and that this made my daughter very happy. So I was happy. But I guess from the moment that happen that night with me asking her to leave made a path of resentment in the way of our relationship forever. No matter how hard I try she still  has a deep hate for me. She moved out about 6 months after she turned 18. She really dodges me and doesn’t try to have a relationship with me. Her terms for a relationship is too hard for me, to hurtful, she has to have her own way or she takes herself out of my life over and over again. All I can do is just try, and wait to see if she comes around. I can never change the past and this is hard because the past is why she hates me. So I am just trying not to make the same mistakes with any of the other children. So if an when she ever comes to me I will be here ready to start our adult daughter and this regretful mother relationship. Hope that day comes…

moms and daughters arguingResources and references:

Don’t just wing it like I did when she told me she was gay. Use these resources, talk to a therapist…..