Jealousy a deadly disease

jealousy  “Some men/women luck into a woman who is higher in mate value than they are,”  “And on some level such a man/woman has some realization that he is not going to be able to replace her with someone of equivalent value. So he/she is on jealousy hyperalert.” quote from  University of Texas psychologist David Buss.  

 University of Texas psychologist David Buss, reports that 40 percent of women deliberately evoked a bit of jealousy in a partner to get a reading on the strength of the bond. (Men do it too, but not nearly as often as women.) It can also up one’s desirability in a mate’s eyes.

This one was a real shocker to me I knew it was dangerous but I had no idea how serious jealousy could get. The more research I did, the more complex jealousy seems and much harder to control once you caught the feel. It is primal.. 

Experts agree, that jealousy is a survival mechanism, but that  is a matter of debate. It is the most destructive passion, it is a leading cause of homicide and yet the least studied, it is like all emotions, born of necessity, with roots  in our evolutionary past. Its purpose was to help maintain intimate relationship. 

 I also found that jealousy is much more than one emotion but a complex mix of fear, rage, insecurity, sadness, humiliation, fear of abandonment ,  it is very traumatic to the person feeling it and the person who is a victim it can be very traumatic and deadly. 

Conventional wisdom, (more like conventional   holds that jealousy is natural and a necessary emotion  because it holds and preserves social bonds, it has long been deemed as the guardian of love, but this is a misconception, it is more often the down fall of love.

 Jealousy can go  from vigilance to violence in a very short period. You see  feelings of jealousy flare with such intensity that they burn a hole in the brain, obliterating rational thinking that sets off behaviors that create a self-fulfilling prophecy that pushes  away the very person we desire, or need, the most. 

If we paid attention early in a relationship that turned sour after and experience with jealousy we would have notice if our partner had exhibited many of the classic signs of  Jealousy are: Fear of losing your lover, lack of trust, anger at real or imagined attention to others, the need to control a loved one.But we were possibly love struck or even amused by the extra attention and the feeling of them making us feel like their world. The problem with that is that you can’t be someone’s world that is to big a role for any one human to fill. It puts pressure on you and them because they feel like if they lose you they lose everything.

 Envy and Jealousy are not the same even though refered to as equal emotions. “Jealousy arises when a relationship is infringed on by a rival who threatens to take away something that is in a sense rightfully yours,” explains Richard Smith, professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. He goes on to add..The rival may or may not have features that also incite envy. “But to feel jealous you need not have any sense of what that third party is like,” notes Smith. Envy, on the other hand, derives from the basic fact that so much of the spoils of life come from how we compare to others. “It arises when another person possesses some trait or object that you want, and includes a mix of discontent, a sense of inferiority, and a frustration that may be tinged with resentment.”

According to University of Texas psychologist David Buss, jealousy is a necessary emotion, a potential deterrent to infidelity that arises in both men and women when a threat materializes to intimate relationships. The “crystalline logic” of evolutionary psychology “argues Buss in The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and sex, holds that men and women experience jealousy differently, and that it’s the threat of sexual infidelity that most stirs jealousy in men. The burden of manhood is uncertainty of paternity; jealousy serves to keep a mate from straying, upping a man’s confidence that he is the genetic father of his partner’s children. Jealousy arose to keep him from the reproductive dead-end of investing his finite resources in raising some other man’s children. Women respond most to the possible loss of love to a rival female, a way of protecting a partner’s needed commitment to home and kids. And perhaps in the small bands in which humans lived for most of evolutionary history, jealousy was effective in keeping a mate from straying.

Yes, says Buss, jealousy can cause men, especially, to “explode violently,” although that’s just a way “to reduce the odds that their partners will stray.” Jealousy is not just the main motivation for spouse battering. Sexual jealousy is the leading cause of spousal murder worldwide. Even then, it’s not really jealousy that’s to blame, contends Buss. “It is the delusion that a loved one has committed an infidelity when none has occurred.” But “this double-edged defense mechanism” wouldn’t exist if long-term love hadn’t emerged among primates. Jealousy is love’s necessary protector—even if, given the cognitive biases built into the brain, it errs on the side of seeing betrayal where it does not exist. Delusion is jealousy’s yes-man.

. In another study  by Buss of nearly 1,000 people in various stages of commitment—married, engaged, dating, or single—he and a colleague in Spain find that the personal inclination to jealousy is strongly influenced by two of the so-called big five personality factors. It is positively associated with neurotisim, or emotional instability, the liability to such unpleasant emotions as anger, anxiety, and depression. The higher the level of instability, the more one is prone to jealousy. . “Some men luck into a woman who is higher in mate value than they are,” reports Buss. “And on some level such a man has some realization that he is not going to be able to replace her with someone of equivalent value. So he is on jealousy hyperalert.”

What to do if Jealousy creeps up on you or you become the victim? Run like hell… No just kidding…  Here are some tips…

According to  Marriage and family therapist Lori Gordon,There are steps either partner can take to contain jealousy and keep it from wrecking a relationship here she offers several tips:

  • As a general insurance against jealousy, nurture your relationship. Take time to be together, and spend time talking even when apart. It’s important to share your inner worlds with each other.
  • Make a decision whether you want to confront your suspicions or not.
  • If you feel suspicious, worried, possessive, threatened, or unsure regarding your partner—or, alternatively, you feel crowded, controlled, restricted, or blamed by your partner about friendships or activities—don’t let your assumptions run away with themselves. Check them out with your partner. But first, reflect on how to put your thoughts into words.
  • The goal is to start a conversation non-belligerently, to be constructive and non-blaming. To avoid setting off defensiveness in a partner, use statements that begin with “I,” not “you.”
  • Identify a specific behavior of your partner’s that is upsetting to you (“when you let that guy pour you a drink”) and explain how it makes you feel.
  • Knowing how to give voice to things that disturb you is crucial. A good structure to follow has three parts
  • I notice…” (you seemed quiet last night, or you were unusually friendly with that woman at the party).
    I assume that it means…” (you were upset about something, or you were just being friendly).
    I wonder…” (what it is and if you would tell me, or whether there is more to it).
  • Pause to be sure your partner is listening and to give your partner time to respond.

Find a therapist. Talk it out. It is possible to resolve it if tackled early. But if you are in a dangerous situation.. Seek help immediatly!