Really I would say today I feel like screaming! Yep that concludes every day for me now.. I find myself wondering what I was like before I had this house full of .. well my own little cult.. this is my circus these are my monkey’s.
My 19 year old has moved in with her girlfriend they are living 200 miles away.. Nothing about her life is as I had planned.. Did I just say that? of course I did, every mother has this ideal plan for each of her children laid out in her mind and if that said child deviates from that plan, well she is automatically a traitor. I feel awful that I think I know what she should be doing better than she should know what she should be doing.So lets talk about the well thought out plan I had. Well I thought she would go to college, maybe she will, maybe she is taking the advice I gave her.. I say take a year, live a little get job, travel, get a life then go to college then you will see why you need to go.
SO maybe just maybe she is doing exactly what I ask her to. Time will tell. But for now, I am here… living in nice apartment, with the other 3 monkey’s in my circus. Desirae which is 17, I think she still lives here.. her clothes and things are here but that could just be a prop,, a way to mislead me. Between school, friends, Decca, boyfriend, football games, soccer games, and the countless other things she is doing I rarely see her. But she is an honor student no drugs no drinking, practices absence , I don’t know who she took being such a good child after. hahaha
Daniel who is 12 is also honor student who designs and develops his own video games , where did he get that? I can barley tie my shoes.. Logan.. oh my Logan.. he is 8 and the worst case of ADHD known to man. My husband is always working, doesn’t want me to work none of kids want me to work either. they say what if we need you?. What? What if I need adult company at work? away from here? Hello? So we agree to disagree and I work 3 12 hour shifts a week and no more. I wonder if I ever had a waist line, I wonder did I ever own an outfit that wasn’t ruined from coffee stains, koolaid stains, or chocolate. I wonder did I wear make up, brush my hair, did I possess time to shave my legs, Did I really ever get to go to the bathroom alone or was that a dream? But even with the madness and the questions that still linger in my mind.. What was I like before I had Children?
I don’t remember and I never care to remember even on my worst days, I never want to imagine or remember my life without my children… or my husband.